Dear Nigel, Red, and Rockgut: The List
by NigelTux
Summary: The Rule for the uncontrollable trio.
1. 1-16

1\. I am not allowed to switch occupations with my Arch Nenemis.

2\. I am not allowed to bust into the Commander's office and make out on his desk. Especially if he is in his office at the time.

3\. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from giving "The Talk" to anyone for any reason.

4\. I am not allowed to wear leather pants and a leather collar to important meetings I shouldn't even be at.

5.I must remember that there has not nor ever will be a Villain-Agent Sleepover at MI6 HeadQuarters for a reason.

6\. Prank calling Count Victor von Sova ends well for no one.

7\. NO ONE is allowed to leave Red alone with the Queen again.

8\. The next person to tell Red something is impossible will be thrown out a window. You should know by now that Red follows no one's laws.

9\. Never tell Red to 'get a life'. He'll get one alright: Your's.

Despite really needing one, Red is not allowed within a hundred feet of a therapist. On a side note, if anyone sees Dr. Jackson please bring him to his session with Dr. Richard.

11\. Red is not 'The Supreme Commander of All Evil'. Stop telling the newbie agents that if they defeat him in combat they'll automatically become The Commander. The Medbay is already filled with those who tried.

12\. I will stop telling the probies that they will have to chose one of them to be a him an sacrifice by Christmas. We do not do human sacrifices.

13\. Red is Penguin Enemy Number One. He cannot join The Royal Gaurd even if the Queen wants him to.

14\. Rockgut is not allowed to try blowing up people who stare at Red and Nigel a little too long for your liking.

15\. Nigel is not to complain if Red burns down his garden after listening to a ten hour rant on different types of Doilies. You had it coming.

16\. I am not allowed to dye the MI6 uniforms neon pink with glittery sparkles. The point of the uniforms are NOT to draw attention.


	2. 17-44

17\. Red and Buck are no longer allowed near new recuits. Red shouldn't have been near them in the first place.

18\. It's not a good idea to tell anyone that Count Victor von Sova, Buck Rockgut, or Red is your role model. All of them are proven legally insane.

19\. You may not create mythical creatures just to prove you can. On a side note, would someone get the unicorn out of my office.

20\. Red is forbidden to invite anyone to dinner at Savio's. Anyone who accepts such an offer has a 98% chance of being that night's dinner.

21\. NO ONE is allowed to throw Red into the deep end of a pool. This is for everyone's safety as Red cannot swim and has vengeanceful lovers, who WILL hunt you down.

22\. Just because they cannot understand Russian does not mean you can insult them to their faces. No, making them turn around does not mean you can continue insulting them.

a). Insulting them in German doesn't make it better.

b). Nor French

c). Especially not in English

d). Look, just stop insulting them

23\. Whoever thought it was a good idea to leave impressionable children alone with Red will be shot. I now have to explain to all their parents why exactly their children want to be the next Penguin Enemy Number One.

24\. Painting a target on yourself is NEVER a good idea. Especially if you plan to run through the target range.

25\. Rockgut is to stop punting people who annoy you out glass windows. Especially if you have not opened the window before punting them.

26\. Red and Q are to never be left unsupervised together in a lab again. How you two survived that explosion at point-blank range is beyond me.

27\. Rockgut is to stop running off to places that do not exist. Red and Nigel are getting tired of hunting him down and do not find it amusing.

28\. The Midnight Raves are to stop immediately. Some of us would actually like to sleep.

29\. You are not allowed to randomly bust onto song for any reason. We don't need any further proof of your lack of sanity.

30\. Despite how well he wears it, Red is not allowed to wear a dress in public again. Nigel and Rockgut already have a list of men to kill for flirting with their 'girlfriend'.

31\. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from killing anyone who flirted with Red while he was in a dress. Trust me, He's only interested in you two.

32\. You are forbidden from acting out Romeo and Juliet ever again. They all die in the end. It did not end in a Three Way.

33\. NO ONE is allowed to paint my office neon orange.

a). Nor yellow

b). No, that does not mean to paint it neon pink

c). My office doe not need to be repainted to 'bring more life to it'. I liked it the way it was.

34\. Red is to stop randomly kidnapping people because you were lonely.

a). You are to stop kidnapping Q every chance you get.

b). Kidnapping the Queen causes mass panic. Even if she agreed to go with you.

35\. Red is to stop sending the Russian Assembly stuffed animals immediately.

36\. No one is allowed to clone Red without his permission. He almost had a heart attack at seeing what he thought was his dead twin brother walking around.

a). Just because you didn't know Red had a twin does not make it right. You still should have asked.

b). One Red is more than enough. What could have possible possessed you to want another?

37\. Count Victor von Sova and Red do not teach Evil Laughter Classes in my office.

b). Count Victor von Sova and Red do not teach Evil Laughter Classes in Q's lab.

c). There are no Evil Laughter Classes, so neither should be teaching it. I find myself worried that my Agents are asking for such lessons.

38\. Despite how easy it may be to forget when he's not doing anything dangerous, Red IS Penguin Enemy Number One. You should not be encouraging his antics.

39\. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question. Even if it's the truth.

40\. Flying monkeys do not exist. You cannot conquer the world with them.

a). No, this is not a challenge for Q and Red to see who can create them first.

b). Whoever let them watch the Wizard of Oz is to report to my office.

41\. You are to stop toppling dictatorial governments by giving incriminating photos of them to the people to incite riots.

a). You will stop using Photoshop to forge these photos.

42\. NO ONE is allowed to prove Red is related to royalty. He doesn't care.

a). On a side note, NO ONE is allowed to mention the results to anyone. Red has agreed with me and will personally deal with the idiot who tries.

43\. No one is allowed to talk would fast that no one can understand a word your saying. Especially if it's about something important.

44\. You are to stop trying to out-argue Red. You're not going to win, only the Count can do that.


	3. 45-66

45\. You are not allowed to burn down the Minister's home. On the other hand, if being Penguin Enemy Number One doesn't work out Red can always be a damn good lawyer. I still can't figure out how you managed to prove them innocent and pin it all on the Minister. Especially considering the video evidence of them doing it.

46\. Red is forbidden to be his own lawyer. We would never get him convicted.

47\. Red is to stop telling people to relax during high speed chases. Not everyone is as used to be shot at as you are.

48\. The Commander is not your Mother and you are to referring to him as such.

49\. You are to stop writing Red asking him to kill people who insulted you.

a). It doesn't matter if he doesn't mind, stop writing before he takes it seriously

b). I thought I already talked to you about encouraging his antics

50\. Q is to stop walking around HeadQuarters in a bathrobe and slippers. Do that at your own home not HQ.

51\. The Commander is not your Grandmother and you are to stop referring to him as such.

52\. Red is never to bring his Arcorn Muffins to HeadQuarters again. They were delicious, yes, bit I'd rather bot deal with another riot for the last one.

52\. Red is not allowed to blow things up for the hell of it.

a). You felt like it is not acceptable excuse either

53\. Throwing Nigel a birthday party was nice thing to do, if it was his birthday.

54\. Red is to stop hiding stolen goods in HeadQuarters. Hide them in your own base or stop stealing.

a). After hiding said goods in HeadQuarters, you are forbidden to sending anonymous tips to Scotland Yard about their current wasn't easy explaining why we had the stolen goods.

55\. NO ONE is allowed to roam around naked.

56\. No one has permission to help Red break into his Minster's home to fill it with chocolate pudding. Where did you get that much pudding anyway?

57\. Red is not allowed to kill the person sent to wake him up.

a). Nor allowed to hire others to do it for him

b). No, you can't torture them

c). Nor can you ship them overseas in a two sized too small create

d). No. Maiming them either

58\. Unless you are Nigel, Q, Rockgut or The Count do not attempt to wake up Red. This is for your own safety.

a). Red, you will be paying Mr. Karter's medical bills.

59\. Red and Nigel are to stop flirting with people because they want to see Rockgut beat them half to death. I don't care if they deserve it.

60\. I don't know how you done it it but whoever bolted my office to its ceiling is to come undo it, Immediately.

61\. Red is to stop referring to MI6 HQ as:

a). The Physco Ward

b). The Nut House

c). The Asylum

d). The Mad Brits' Clubhouse

Red or Rockgut are allowed to negotiate peace treaties

63\. Red is to stop prank calling other nations using my office phone. Especially Russia.

64\. Red is to stop busting out into mad laughter at random times. You're beginning to unnerved peiple- more than you already do.

65\. "Red does it" is not a good excuse for anything, if anything that is only further proof that you most likely shouldn't do it.

66\. "Non Flamable" is not a challenge abd should not be taken as one.


	4. 67-80

67\. When someone see a a big red button with the words DO NOT TOUCH it does not mean to push the button.

It says Do Not touch for a reason.

* * *

68\. No one is to join Red in insanity because it's easier then trying to fight the Villain. Red has actual reasons for his lack of sanity you don't.

* * *

69\. No Agent Is to try helping Red take over the world.

He does enough damage on his own.

* * *

70\. No one is to ask Red how he became Russia's Most Wanted.

He's not going to tell and your constant asking is beginning to annoy him.

* * *

71\. It is cruel to tell The monsters know as Fangirls\boys where their prey... I mean object of affection is hiding.

With that said I believe Red, Nigel,and Rockgut were last seen in Q's lab.

* * *

72\. Kidnap Nigel at your own risks. We will not save anyone stupid enough to try.

a.) Nor will we call off Red and Rockgut.

You have been warned.

* * *

73\. No one is allowed to give known villains a tour through MI6 HeadQuarters.

Heaven knows they already spend too much time here as it is.

* * *

74\. You may not pour gasoline on a person and Chase them with a lite match, lighter, or flamethrower.

* * *

75\. Red would like to make it very clear that he is not cheating on Nigel and Buck with Count Victor von Sova.

a.) The Count is not having a love affair with Red and the two find it very offensive and disgusting that anyone would think so.

b.) Red is not having a love affair with his Father-Mentor.

* * *

76\. No one is to blame Red for something he did not do. He does not take well to being framed when he's actually innocent for a change.

* * *

77\. No one is allowed to complain if Red seeks vengeance after you frame him.

He was stuck on the couch for two weeks thanks to your actions. Nigel and Rockgut are still apologizing for not be living him when he claimed he was innocent in the matter.

* * *

78\. Nigel and Rockgut are to immediately stop using MI6 gadgets to spy on Red unless it is for an assigned mission.

For the last time, Red is not having a love affair with Anyone!

* * *

79\. Red and The Count will like to clarify now: There is No "Hug a Villian Day" nor has there ever been.

The next person to hug either, unless they are their significant others, will lose their hands. You have been warned.

* * *

80\. Red is not allowed to hide corpses in MI6 HeadQuarters for ANY reason.

a.) No you may not hide them at M's house

b.) Nor the Commander's. He has children.

We will pretend we never saw them in they are gone by Afternoon Tea.


	5. 81-110

81\. Stop hiring Red to make the Nuclear Launch Codes.

The fact we let Enemy Number One create our launch Codes greatly disturbs me.

82\. No one is to prove Red is a Spy.

I personally try not to think about all the Classified and Top Secret information he already knows.

83\. Red being a spy does not help. Espically since he does not work for us or the Americans.

84\. No one is to challenge The Count to a drinking contest.

Nor may you challenge Red.

The Russians always win.

85\. Red is to stop jumping out of planes without a parachute immediately.

I'm beginning to question your mental health.

86\. Auctioning a Marriage Form with Red, Nigel or Rockgut's signature forged on it is forbidden.

Red would also like to inform you that Squirrel is not his last name. Therefore the certificate with his name is Null and Viold.

87\. Nigel is forbidden from conducting the Academy's Final Exam.

88\. No one is to tell White Widow that Red wants song her.

Nor may you tell her Red wants to marry her.

Red has no romantic interest in Widow and does not approve of you encouraging her One-Sided affection.

89\. Rockgut is not allowed to drive any vehicles owned by MI6 or The APA until he actually attends driving lessons.

90\. Opera is forbidden unless in a theater.

Some personal in the building have heightened senses- which include hearing.

91\. No one is allowed to lock Red in a room full of FBI Agents and Government Officals.

92\. Red is not allowed to tell the Secret Service that Rockgut is planning to assassinate the President in retaliation.

93\. You are to stop wasting your money by purchasing Red Antipsychotic Medications.

He doesn't take those prescribed to him, what makes you think he'll take the ones you give him?

94\. At all cost Red must never find out about the existence of The 'Evil Overlord List'.

Its bad enough he already thinks in a similar mind set.

95\. Mocking Red or The Count's accents will get you shot . You are to cease doing so immediately.

96\. Red is not allowed to plan anyone's death aloud.

Espically while they are within hearing distance, Ziyi still refuses to go within a hundred feet of Red and is almost as paranoid as Rockgut now.

97\. Russian Roulette is strictly forbidden.

Honestly, which of you idiots thought this was a splendid game to play?

98\. Do NOT touch the Vodka.

If Red doesn't kill you The

Count will.

99\. Nobody is allowed to force Q to chose between MI6 and Red.

We would rather not loose such talent.

100\. No one is allowed to lock Red and Widow in a closet together.

That is cruel and unusual punishment and led to Red hating humanity even more then he already does. Not to mention the The Count, Nigel and Rockgut has sworn to kill the person who locked Red in there in the first place.

101\. Constantly insulting the person who wants to kill you is not an intelligent thing to do.

Nigel you will be joining Red in his Sucidial Therapy Class.

102\. It is forbidden to make bizarre threats to people who want to kill you.

What ever happened to Self-preservation instincts?

103\. "If you join our Agency you're likely going to die a horrible painful death " is not a good recruitment speech for possible new recruits.

104\. Despite The Count being cannibal he does Not eat babies for breakfast.

Nor has he ever considered eating Red.

Altough he did say he would eat the next Agent to pester him on the matter. For your sake, leave the Mad Owl alone.

105\. Red does not drink the blood of his enemies for lunch.

It was Tomato Soup.

106\. I stand corrected.

No one is allowed to drink blood for any reason.

That means you Red.

107\. No one is allowed to do anything that will require bribing a whole town to stay silent.

108\. Nigel is not allowed to blackmail The Commander into reading him a bedtime story.

109\. Red is to stop teaching the Queen how to make bombs immediately.

110\. Under NO circumstances is Red to be left alone with the Queen.

Espically when he's bored as he tends to cause mass panic and chaos with Her Majesty's blessing.


	6. 111-138

111\. Staying in a public hospital is not like signing a Death Warrant unless your Red. In which case you are to stay out of public hospitals as we don't want a repeat of the last time you where brought to one

112\. No one is allowed to hand a child a loaded gun.

A.) Nor a knife

B.) No, you can not give them a bomb.

C.) No you may not "conveniently" leave it lying around where you know they'll pick it up.

D.)To be clear no child is to be handed- in person or not- any sort of weapon.

113\. Red is not a babysitter. I would like for every Agent who left a child with Red to think about how their wives will react upon finding out you've been leaving them with a known and dangerous Terrorist.

A.) I find it extremely sad to know the Mad Russian hell bent on destroying humanity is more responsible then any of my Agents.

114\. I don't care if you saw a burning building collapse with him inside.

Red is NOT to be pronounced Dead until I see him corpse.

A.) If that Russain has an uncanny ability to survive a bomb going off in his face, I doubt a building is going to off him.

B.) I will not get my hopes up till I see proof that he is truly one hundred percent Dead.

115\. There will not be a party for Red finally dying.

A.) I have yet to see a body or even a fiber of crimson anywhere among the rubble.

B.) Reds jacket and pants are fireproof so I highly doubt they where incinerated.

116\. We are also running out of Windows for Rockgut and Nigel to throw people out. So I'm going to have to ask you to please stop.

117\. Red is not a zombie out to eat our brains.

A.) He's just very stubborn and very hard to kill. Trust me.

B.) I warned you not to get your hopes up.

118\. Q and Red and never to be left in change of the fireworks again.

B.) Nor is Rockgut for that matter.

119\. Holding Top Secret Meetinags to discuss our plans on how to capture Red or the Count while either are within the same room defeats the whole purpose on Top Secret.

A.) Neither Red or the Count are allowed to give advice on how to better said plans.

120\. No one is allowed to sacrifice anyone to a Pagan God you don't even believe.

A.) Nor to one you do believe in.

121\. The use of Widow's "Love Potions" are strictly forbidden.

A.) It doesn't matter what type of food or drink you place them in, Red knows the scent better then anyone else. He Will Know and does not take kindly to anyone trying to use them on him and what is his.

B.) Morals people. I expect this type of stunt from the Villains, not my own Agents.

122\. Red is not allowed to give put candy, Espically if it's home made

A.) Not everyone wants candy that tries to eat you

123\. Red may help with the Haunted House.

A.) Espically building and designing the electronics.

B.) The children both utterly adore and are completely terrified of your Monsters.

124\. You may not bribe Widow to teach you Voodoo.

A.) Espically with Red. He's not going to agree to anything that involves romantic interests with her.

B.) Which includes offering him as payment to the Physotic Woman.

125\. Widow is to stop seducing Agents into going out with her to make Red jealous.

A.) Its more pity then jealously. I promise you that.

Eve is not a time to celebrate Pure Evil so you may not invite all the Villains to HQ so that you may worship them.

A.) Most of their Egos are big enough without you inflating them.

B.) I thought we all agreed not to invite the villains over again people.

C.) Yes, I know Red is always here but we do not invite him and have given up on trying to keep him away.

D.) He doesn't listen to any of us anyway and if you believe you can do better, then be my guest.

127\. The Count is NOT a vampire.

A.) Nor did he appreciate you dumping Holy Water and Garlic Cloves on him.

128\. The Count and Red ARE allowed to hold Cooking Lessons.

A.) As long as its ONLY Cooking Lessons and solely said Lessons. Not 'How to Make Bombs using Kicten ingredients' Lessons.

129\. No one is to allow Rockgut or Nigel to get a sugar high.

A.) I don't know how they did it but I want the footprints off the ceiling immediately.

B.) I also like to see both Red and Q by Noon. I have a feeling they're somehow behind this.

130\. The next Agent to somehow get a date with a Russian Woman is ORDERED to go see Red or the Count immediately.

A.) Customs in Russia and for dating their woman are different then America. It's best to learn what your getting Into before you date their woman, including the dangers of accidentally scoring or insulting them.

131\. Red is to return all MI6 uniforms he stole and burn the uniforms he replaced them with.

A.) We are Her Majesty's National Defense, not Her Majesty's Strippers.

132\. No One is allowed to electrify every doorknob or handle within HeadQuarters.

133\. No one is allowed to borrow any spices from Red.

A.) For reasons I would rather not know, a majority of the Russian's spices where fount to have been replaced with exotic or homemade poisons.

B.) No, he won't tell you which or poisons and which are actually spices. I've already asked.

134\. Nigel and Rockgut is hearby ORDERED to stop giving their paperwork to Red.

A.) I don't care if he was the patiences to fill them out correctly or is capable or forging your signatures.

B.) Those files contain Classifed Information that should never have been see by anyone else beside you two. Especially Not Red.

135\. No one is allowed to send Agents to the Count so he has a living test subject to use his experiments on.

A.) I don't care if they where stalking you. No one deserves That.

136\. It is forbidden to light any firecrackers inside HeadQuarters.

A.) Espically Illegal Firecrackers that have a clear-as-Day warning stating they are 100% dangerous and should not be lit within a hundred meters of a building structure.

B.) No, you may NOT put them in the microwave to see if they will actually go off.

137\. The following foods are hearby forbidden to eat within HeadQuarters:

Owl Legs

Owl Meat

Owl Pot Pie

Fried Squirrel

BBQed Squirrel

Penguin Soup

Penguin Pie

Penguin Salad

A.) Anything made using Owl, Penguin, or Squirrel is forbidden within a ten miles radius of MI6 HQ.

138\. Widow is stop violating her Restraining Order.

A.) Red has enough issues without you stalking him every night.

B.) Even if no one sees you, Hiding under his windowsill is still considered a violation or the Order.


	7. 139-150

139\. Just because you could not find a babysitter does not mean you can bring a child to work with you.

A.) Nor may you give them a fully loaded gun. I could have sworn we discussed giving children weapons.

140\. If by some unknown reasons you managed to de-age your arch nenemis into a toddler you are to do everything in your power to return them back into the older selves.

A.) While the children were adorable a toddler Red does more damage then an adult and a Toddler Widow is even creepier then her adult self.

B.) Yes you have to turn them back. No, I don't care how much "happier" they seem as children. No, you may not keep them that way forever.

141\. Cannibals are not to be placed in charge of the Queens Banquet. It was rather disturbing trying to explain the...exotic foods served.

A.) On a side note, we finally fount Agent Wilson. Unfortunately we are still trying to place him back together but.I fear someone swallowed one of his eyes.

142\. No matter where you live in this world kicking a man in their Pride is not how one says Hello.

143\. Switching bodies is strictly forbidden. Its hard enough keeping track of you all without you switching bodies every time I turn my back.

All information on this subject is to be turned over and sealed immediately.

144\. As it turns out Red Squirrels are an Endangered Species therefore I'm going to have to ask Rockgut to stop shooting at Red with a Gernade Launcher.

A.) I'm also going to have to ask you to stop using said launcher inside buildings. The property damage you managed to rack up with that thing just this week is already out of our Budget.

145\. When asked to accompany M to a world conference meeting you May not began to scream bloody murder. She can and will have you dragged along and it is best to go with whatever dignity you have instead.

A.) I assure you now the World Council is not put to murder and on the off chance they are then please provide the proof and you will not be forced to attend.

B.) If you plan to forge the proof I ask you make it something believable that way we May actually stand a chance of having the bast- err...Horrorable Memebers imprisoned.

146\. If you plan to frame someone with murder do not leave a detailed list telling every step of the process at the Crime Sence.

A.) It may also help if you did not sign said list. Once again your egos have sobataged what might actually have been the most convincing framing I've ever seen.

147\. No one hs a permit to dig a highly poisonous snake filled pit in the middle of The World Conference Room. I honestly would not have minded and May have even encouraged it If it wasn't placed right behind my chair. As it is I have half a mind to hunt down the perpetrators and throw them into the damn Death Trap to see how they fare.

A.) That does not mean for you to use non-poisonous snakes from the pit in my office. I will ignore the attempt if- and only if- it is removed by time I'm out of the Medical Wing.

148\. Attempting to avoid your vaccine shots will only result in getting them with a bigger needle after ' The Dragon' hunts you down.

A.) It is best for everyone's sake if you man up and take them without complaint when first assigned to your retinue physicals.

149\. If you happen to walk into a fan club in the middle of their Worshiping Moments; slowly back away, barricade the door and run away as fast as possible.

A.) Espically if your picture is within the centerfold of their alter. No amount of Therapy will save you from the mental scarring if caught.

150.'There's a 98% chance this will end In all our rather painful and gorely deaths' is usually an obvious sign you shouldn't be doing it.


	8. 151- 172

151\. If it makes Red crack a smile, it's probably illegal and has a good ninety-eight perven chance of killing us all

152\. No one is allergic to paperwork.

A.) Trust me, if that was so they would have been long dead considering the vast amounts everyone does on a daily basics.

153\. The words "What's the worst that could happen?" are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.

A.) Must you all tempt Fate?

154\. Explosives do not in fact solve everything

A.) On a side note explosives are to be kept locked up in an uerground bunker when the Americans send Rockgut as their official representative.

155\. Killing some one because they annoy you is generally considered wrong.

A.) I find it mildly disturbing I even have to tell anyone this.

156\. No one is allowed to stand there and argue with each other over who caught Red while leaving the Russian in a room full of highly confidential information again.

A.) Thanks to your pointless bickering Red escaped with more information then he was originally stealing

B.) Who ever had the brilliant idea of locking him in the Mainframe room out of all the available rooms in the building will be shot.

157\. While he does have some medical experience The Count is not a certified Surgeon.

A.) Even if he was I highly doubt its sanitary or professional to preform open heart surgery on my office desk.

B.) Now with that said put the Agents heart back into the chest.

C.) I suggest someone call a real doctor and a janitor to cleanup this disaster.

158\. If you even think of touching the coffee machine I would like to remind you that you are currently in a building full of homicidal, sleep deprived, trigger happy agents.

159\. Do not say "Oops" when working with explosives.

A.) You have a rather sadist sense of humour.

B.) If you weren't as brilliant at your job I would have personally shot you for that stunt

160\. The Dragon has officially closed the medical wing due to the obsessive amount of Agents going there to gawk at/gaurd her patient.

A.) Nigel and Rockgut also made it clear they will annihilate the next Agent to go gawk at there lover while he sleeps off the poison.

B.) I assure you Red has no need for a Gaurd and is likely the safest mammal in the world at this moment

C.) Why is it you willingly go to the Medbay now but when your physicals come around I have to literally drag you halfway across the world to attend?

161\. Murder is not a healthy way to vent ones frustrations nor has it ever been.

162\. You may not shoot your partner because they annoy you.

A.) Nor May you sell them in a local newspaper as a 'small, energetic puppy'

163\. Failing your psychological testis not something to be proud about.

A.) Nor should one brag about it.

164\. The therapists are not rapists. Who keeps giving you all these ideas?

A) Well... I suppose they could be considered mind rapist...

B.) No one is allowed to contact Scotland Yard to have the mass of Therapist working here arrested.

C.) Unless they need it you May not sign the therapist up for mass Adicts Class.

165\. Telling the Count that Red secretly desires to be a Penguin is cruel and unusual punishment.

A) I can honestly say that said Russian has no such desires and would much rather kill us all than become one of us.

166\. The Mice are not Glorified Babysitters. They are highly trained assassins/collaborators who will not hesitate to kill anyone they deem as a threat to their master or his heir

167\. Red and Q are not allowed to switch jobs for a day

A) To make this perfectly clear: No One is allowed to switch jobs with another for a reason.

168\. Red and Q are not allowed to create pants that catch on fire every time the person wearing them lies.

A) Despite what Q says these pants are not apart of a uniform all Agents are required to wear.

B.) The fact you all feel for this is rather depressing As we have no official uniform.

169\. Q Division is not allowed to hold a Mad Scientist Convention.

170\. No one is allowed to trade Red to Widow for an undead legion.

A.) No one is allowed to raise the dead for any reason.

B.) No one is allowed to own an undead legion for any reason- despite how logical you make them sound.

171\. No one is allowed to start a new religion.

A) Nor may you start a cult.

172\. No one is allowed to predict the future.

A.) Luna, I'm sorry but I find it highly difficult to believe your son will defeat Red with a glow in the dark toy unicorn when even our best agents with our best gadgets cannot.

B.) Nigel please take your sister to see a Doctor.


	9. 173-194

173\. Shouting _'I'm a Doctor'_ does not actually make one a Doctor.

174\. We are not a secret organization of aliens masquerading as humans while utterly hell bent on conquering the world.

A.) Though I should not have to inform anyone: We are not aliens and we do not seek to conquer the world.

B.)_ 'Accidently'_ slipping the_ "truth"_ to Global Conspiracist just to see how they would react was an puerile gesture.

C.) I expect the cortical damage to be mended by the end of the week.

175\. _'Giant Space Squids'_ are not at the top of the Chain of Command.

A.) Giant Space Squids, Really? Where do you all get these ideas from?

B.) There is no such things as Giant Space Squids and while I congratulate you for having active imaginations; Agent Nigel, Agent Rockgut and Red are to cease continuing to insist there are.

176\. Attaching a hundred dollar bill to the end of a hook and dangling it from the rafters with a fishing rod just to see how would jump after it was childishly immature.

A.) Reeling the bill up right as the Agents jumped up to grab it so they would collide with one another was even more so.

B.) The fact so many Agents continue to attempt commandeering the bill despite the number of collisions they already suffered is rather melancholy to watch.

C.) _'Fishing for idiots'_ is not an appropriate hobby and I'm officially going to have to request Red finds himself a new hobby before all my Agents are hospitalized.

177\. When asked to bring honey for the morning tea one should not bring a Live Beehive with them. Even if by all technicality you did bring the honey.

178\. There is no such thing as a _'Rainbow Tax'_.

A.) No, I will not make Agent Nigel reimburse you your money since you where foolish enough to accord it to him in the first place.

one is allowed to trade anyone to the Russians.

A.) No, you may not _'send Red home'_ no matter how you word it you where still attempting to trade him.

179\. Rockgut is not allowed to arrest children for any of the following reasons:

They where being rude- All children are rude.

They accidently insulted you- the young aren't very cautious about their words.

They stole your wallet- Blame bad parenting if you must.

They are a _'threat to national security'_... Really? How is a crying four year old a national threat.

A.) Just to be safe: Buck Rockgut is not allowed to arrest children for any reason and if he must he will need the approval of both Agent Nigel and Red before they bring both him and the Child to M instead of a cold isolated cell.

180\. No one is allowed to take a Life Insurance policy out on:

M

The Commander

Q

Agent Nigel

Buck Rockgut

Jethro Rockgut

Red

The Count

Agent Dylan

White Widow

A.) When asked why I tried to do so, It is in my best interest not to tell said beings _'it was apart of my plot to be rid of you and conquer the world during the mass panic'_.

181\. Its a stupid idea to steal from Red.

A.) Its a Suicidal Idea to steal from The Count.

182\. No one should drink an unknown substance from a vial even if it has the words _"Drink Me"_ written on the label.

183\. Neither Red nor The Count will melt if water is poured on them.

A.) Telling the more gullible Agents so was cruel.

B) I expect you to formally apologize to all sixty-eight Agents now residing within the Medical Wing.

184\. I will not create a micronized device that cancels gravity to install into M's office so I can laugh as I watch them futility endeavor to ground both theirselves while attempting to prevent the sea of classified paperwork from floating out open widows.

A.) It would be in Red's best interest to disappear for a while.

B.) When Red was told to disappear we did not mean for Q to vanish with him.

C.) Under M's direct order upon being located both Red and Q are to be dragged back, kicking and screaming if necessary, to fix the gravity in M's Office.

185\. A Christmas tree should not be taller then MI6 HQ.

A.) How exactly did you plan to get that inside the building?

186\. Red may not threaten or order the newly recruited Agent to dress up as Elves.

A.) Nigel is not allowed to replace all The Commander's clothes with Santa outfits that contain false fat pouches sewed into the fabrics.

B.) Wherever Rockgut got the reindeer from they should be returned immediately.

C.) Q and Red are not allowed to attempt to genetically create flying reindeer.

187\. At MI6's Annual Christmas Feast, no one is allowed to switch the labels of a 100% pure meat table with the table containing Tofu.

188\. Red is not the Devil Incarnated. You are to stop telling all the newly recruited this and that unless Red is pleased he will throw them straight to Hell.

A.) All the Satanic Cultists are to stop worshiping, harassing Red by constantly stalking him while begging to become a Knight of Hell or his disciple under the orders of both Said Russian and The Count.

B.) For the last time, Yes, I am positive Red is not the Devil Incarnated. He is not a fallen angel in any shape, way, or form. Now leave the rouge be.

C.) The being or beings behind this rumor is to report to my office immediately.

189\. No one is to tell new recruits about the time the Christmas Tree ate an Agent.

A.) I can assure we have done our utter best to keep Red, The Count and Q away from the trees after that incident.

190\. It is Suicidal to challenge the Count to a duel.

A.) It is even more so to challenge him to a duel and not show.

191\. No one is allowed to lock the Prime Minister and Red into a closet together so they can place bets on who will come out alive.

A.) Its hard enough finding a Prime Minister without you lot attempting to get our current one killed.

192\. No one is allowed to ship new recruits to Russia with transferal papers.

A.) We're still trying to retain the last batch sent over as the Russians have decided to actually integrate them into their armies.

B.) I'm quite certain the _'Thank You'_ Note and a request form for us to send them more Agents was just to rub salt into the wound.

193\. Drugging and kidnapping Red so you can drop him off at Widow's current Base as a Christmas present was inhumane.

A.) You got yourself into this. I refuse to get involved. Either way, even if I told him to back off do you really think he'd listen to me? No matter how much time he spends here, Red is not one of my Spies.

B.) As for his promise it just means you'll have to learn to sleep with both eyes open while constantly looking over your shoulder for the rest of your natural life as the rouge has been it crystal clear he won't be satisfied until you're dead.

C.) I will suggest a new life, new identify, and maybe an army of bodyguards. You're going to need them.

194\. Q and Red are forbidden from creating mythical creatures for any reason.

A.) On a side note, M requires a full report on how to care for her baby Cerberus by sunrise.

B.) What did I say about leaving these two alone together?


End file.
